{my mother... the word conjures up pain, not love}

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These are some pages that i did a little while ago... they are about my mother and how she hurt my sister and I when we were so small. I have not posted them on any of the scrapbook sites as i do not feel ready to let the "world" see these... but for the few that check my blog i do not mind sharing...

here is what my journaling says...

It’s funny how you can go through life without things that seem so important. Like a mother for example. All I remember is my mother screaming at my father and then like someone flipped a switch she was gone. She gathered her coat as my sister and I stood at her feet crying for her to take us with her. She said we needed to stay with our father. And just like that… she was gone. Although it was just a few minutes in my childhood I will forever remember them and forever feel the ramifications of them. It was then that I stopped knowing my mother. Or should I say, she stopped knowing me? She would not be around anymore for Christmas’s or birthdays and presents and cards for these occasions would be sporadic. I remember some times when it seemed like my mother should call, like when we were going to bed, or on christmas morning, or our birthday’s…but the phone remained silent. I started to get used to the fact that my mother had just left us when I was 5 years old and she was not coming back. I wondered what I had done wrong and what I could have done diffrently… yet nothing seemed to ease the pain in my heart. Soon I started to forget her face and even her voice. And over time those things I knew about her and the things I loved about her were gone. Then one day I got a call from her… finally out of the blue. As it seemed like it had been forever. In my mind it was an eternity that I had not talked to her and it seemed like so much had happened since we had talked to her last or seen her last. In truth, I am unsure how long it really was that we had not talked… but I know in my 5 year old mind… it was a long time for me! It was good to hear my moms voice and Andrea and I cried for our mother. Yet we felt abandoned and unloved by her. Again we wondered what we had done wrong, what we had done to make her leave and what we could do to make her love us. It went on like this, not hearing from her after long periods of silence and finally I just came to the conclusion that my mother was not going to love us like we had known the first years of our life. She had a new life and we were not included in it, except when it was convienient for her. There were key moments in my life that she just missed… and chose not to be apart of. There were key times when I wanted my mother but yet that void was never filled. I relize now, at 35 years old, after 30 years of feeling the loss of my mother that I will never get the love I crave from her. I will never get the acceptance and I will never find her compassionate about my feelings. She is to concerened about herself and her needs. When I was 20 years old I met my husband. We have been married for 12 and a half years and we now have a son. My son is 5 years old and sometimes I catch myself thinking to myself that “cole is the same age I was when my mother left.” It makes me sad to see that I was that little and it makes me more bitter toward my mother. Because now I know what she left. Now I know how much I needed her. I know because I see how much Cole needs me. I see how I am there to take care of him because I want to be, because I love him. Cole is my life and my happiness and I could NEVER leave him. And I just don’t understand how she could have left. So today I face my life and love those that are in it! My husband, my son, my father, my sister and her family, aunts, uncles etc. My mother chose not to be in my life and that was her mistake… she lost out on knowing me. But I will not do that to my son and I will always be here for him. Whatever he needs… always. What she did for her own selfish reasons will always be with me and will always affect me. I will always feel her distance. Sadly, I still do not know my mother and I will continue to not have a realtionship with her as long as she does not acknowledge the pain that she has caused and as long as she does not apologize. My mother has not been a good mother, and it’s funny how you make it through life without something as important as a mother!

I chose to do my page in black and white becuase she seems to conjure up those colors in my mind. They seem so harsh, rigid, and unforgiving, much like her. all of the doodles i drew right on the page...doing these pages were very theraputic as i have never really written out what happened to my mother in a concise form like this. I cried, lots while writing this. I think mostly becuase cole is 5 years old right now... just the age i was when my mother left, and i see how much he needs me. I cannot imagine EVER leaving let alone at this age. I see how much he needs me right now and howmuch he would hurt if i left... I just could never do that.