i have a new Blog. come visit me there! don't forget to bookmark the new location! Click here to go! See you there! Dena :)

my NEW MAC blog... come on over... :)

Here is the location of my NEW blog!
come and check it out!

Dena :)

the big "C" word

I was in the hospital yesterday with contractions. i am 32 weeks pregnant so i still have several weeks before i am due. the dr's pumped me full of liquids and gave me a drug to stop my contractions... they stopped for most of the day only to retern last night about 8:00 pm. they were going until about 11:00 last night and then stopped. I have not had many today...but i have been drinking lots more fluids today and taking it a little more easy.

My dr. says i am on a "pre-term labor watch" which basically means that i am supposed take it easy, not get up and walk around a lot, no stress, and i should work from home instead of at the office. So i will be starting to work from home as of tomorrow.... until i deliver at 38 weeks. the dr. will induce me on march 18th. So i have 6 weeks of this "taking it easy" thing before baby comes. I guess it could be worse... i could be on bed rest! :)


Baby's room is starting to get put together. Steve and i just put up the crib after getting the double bed out of the guest room. So things are starting to come together... :)

{my mother... the word conjures up pain, not love}

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These are some pages that i did a little while ago... they are about my mother and how she hurt my sister and I when we were so small. I have not posted them on any of the scrapbook sites as i do not feel ready to let the "world" see these... but for the few that check my blog i do not mind sharing...

here is what my journaling says...

It’s funny how you can go through life without things that seem so important. Like a mother for example. All I remember is my mother screaming at my father and then like someone flipped a switch she was gone. She gathered her coat as my sister and I stood at her feet crying for her to take us with her. She said we needed to stay with our father. And just like that… she was gone. Although it was just a few minutes in my childhood I will forever remember them and forever feel the ramifications of them. It was then that I stopped knowing my mother. Or should I say, she stopped knowing me? She would not be around anymore for Christmas’s or birthdays and presents and cards for these occasions would be sporadic. I remember some times when it seemed like my mother should call, like when we were going to bed, or on christmas morning, or our birthday’s…but the phone remained silent. I started to get used to the fact that my mother had just left us when I was 5 years old and she was not coming back. I wondered what I had done wrong and what I could have done diffrently… yet nothing seemed to ease the pain in my heart. Soon I started to forget her face and even her voice. And over time those things I knew about her and the things I loved about her were gone. Then one day I got a call from her… finally out of the blue. As it seemed like it had been forever. In my mind it was an eternity that I had not talked to her and it seemed like so much had happened since we had talked to her last or seen her last. In truth, I am unsure how long it really was that we had not talked… but I know in my 5 year old mind… it was a long time for me! It was good to hear my moms voice and Andrea and I cried for our mother. Yet we felt abandoned and unloved by her. Again we wondered what we had done wrong, what we had done to make her leave and what we could do to make her love us. It went on like this, not hearing from her after long periods of silence and finally I just came to the conclusion that my mother was not going to love us like we had known the first years of our life. She had a new life and we were not included in it, except when it was convienient for her. There were key moments in my life that she just missed… and chose not to be apart of. There were key times when I wanted my mother but yet that void was never filled. I relize now, at 35 years old, after 30 years of feeling the loss of my mother that I will never get the love I crave from her. I will never get the acceptance and I will never find her compassionate about my feelings. She is to concerened about herself and her needs. When I was 20 years old I met my husband. We have been married for 12 and a half years and we now have a son. My son is 5 years old and sometimes I catch myself thinking to myself that “cole is the same age I was when my mother left.” It makes me sad to see that I was that little and it makes me more bitter toward my mother. Because now I know what she left. Now I know how much I needed her. I know because I see how much Cole needs me. I see how I am there to take care of him because I want to be, because I love him. Cole is my life and my happiness and I could NEVER leave him. And I just don’t understand how she could have left. So today I face my life and love those that are in it! My husband, my son, my father, my sister and her family, aunts, uncles etc. My mother chose not to be in my life and that was her mistake… she lost out on knowing me. But I will not do that to my son and I will always be here for him. Whatever he needs… always. What she did for her own selfish reasons will always be with me and will always affect me. I will always feel her distance. Sadly, I still do not know my mother and I will continue to not have a realtionship with her as long as she does not acknowledge the pain that she has caused and as long as she does not apologize. My mother has not been a good mother, and it’s funny how you make it through life without something as important as a mother!

I chose to do my page in black and white becuase she seems to conjure up those colors in my mind. They seem so harsh, rigid, and unforgiving, much like her. all of the doodles i drew right on the page...doing these pages were very theraputic as i have never really written out what happened to my mother in a concise form like this. I cried, lots while writing this. I think mostly becuase cole is 5 years old right now... just the age i was when my mother left, and i see how much he needs me. I cannot imagine EVER leaving let alone at this age. I see how much he needs me right now and howmuch he would hurt if i left... I just could never do that.

Random stuff from the day

Taking a rest...
Learning to ride the scooter...
Playing at the park...



These photos are from the conservatory at the Bellagio hotel on the strip. We like to go and check it out once in a while becuase it is forever changing! Always elaborate and always beautiful!

{it's really happening}

today was the first day that it actually felt real that we were going to have a baby. I know my belly has been growing and i can feel the baby move inside but we had not really bought anything for the baby so it still felt so surreal.

today we went to babies r us and got a new stroller with baby carrier, a bouncy seat, and a diaper bag. also picked up those TINY newboarn diapers and some whipes! It's starting to feel not so surreal anymore and like this thing is really happenening!!

it's starting to feel like a baby around here! yipee! :)

{true north}

Here is my latest LO that i have been working on. This started out being a page about Cole's birthday, when he turned 5 years old. Then I became inspired by Cole and his attributes and how he always helps to keep me centered. It seems to fit with the waves i have going...it at least it did at the time. I drew the waves myself and the journaling is by me. Here is what it says:

When I see this photo of you I see a little boy who is about to turn 5 years old. But the things that stand out to me are not your age but, the light in your eyes, the smile on your face, and even the quirky way your hair looks. But put it all together and you just look so blissfully happy. I don’t even notice the cake on your face. What I see is a boy who is growing before my eyes. And what a great gift it is to see you grow and learn and ask questions everyday and just be a little boy. You are so inquisitive and so curious you ask lots of questions and seek answers from mommy and daddy. You play for hours and you laugh without cause. You mind so well and do what mommy and daddy ask of you. You also have a moody side that sometimes takes hold…that’s usually when you decide to misbehave. You forgive those who have hurt you and always remind mommy and daddy when we have not said please or thank you. You always ask for one more kiss and hug when I put you down for bed at night. You treat others with respect and you are always kind. You forgive people when they hurt your feelings and your feelings are so sensitive. You, Cole are the one that guides me through when things in life take over and when I don’t want to be nice, or forgiving or considerate, or happy. You are the one that helps me to be centered and see what the important things in life are. I know usually it is the parent that is guiding the child to help them, and I know that I do that. But sweetheart you as well help to keep me heading on the right course…. And you sweetheart are my one true north and keep me pointing in that direction.